The name of this post does sound really cliche and filmy but genuinely I feel it really applies to what is going on.
I used to use this WordPress account a few years ago… but to be honest, I just forgot about it. This used to be a place I could vent and write a lot of deep thoughts without anyone I know to read it.
After looking back at the posts from a few years ago, I decided to start fresh. I have left previous posts on my blog but today is the official start to Shalizax’s blog.
I wanted this first post to be just a venting session of things that have been on my mind but I am either afraid of talking about it, or just have spoken about it too much.
I am in my second year at university and already I just feel stressed and tired about all these decisions I have to make about my life.
- Where are you going to go on your placement?
- Have you decided what your going to do after university?
- Are you applying for a job?
- Why don’t you have a boyfriend (frequently asked by my lovely mother)
- Where is Sociology going to get you in life?
All these questions are not only annoying but also stress me out. What the fuck do I want to do with my life??????
On top of that I am STILL upset and trying to get over my relationship with my ex. I feel so ashamed and sad to talk about it because everyone is thinking the same thing “Shaz MOVE THE FUCK ON” but no one understands. No one really understood the relationship like me and him did. I tell people stories but no one knows the whole truth. Not that the whole truth would make any difference, he’s still an asshole, but we went through so much that I find it hard to kind of move on.
Don’t get me wrong, I feel blessed that I have actually liked other guys since him. But when I realise that those situations will never work out, I always resort to thinking about him again. I won’t mention his name, even though this is a private blog, I don’t like seeing his name. It’s sad, I’m sad. I’m not the type of person to sit and mope around all day, but whenever I have time alone to myself I think about him… What is he doing? Is he doing okay? and the most important and the most hurtful one, does he still think about me?
I want to slap myself every time I think about him and I think writing about him in this blog will give me time to read over these thoughts and then progressively work my way to moving on.
I think I have confused myself. The fact that I have actually liked other guys makes me think that actually I have moved on. But the fact that my body jumps when I hear his name or see a photo makes me think that no. I’m not.
It’s been almost two months since I’ve spoken to him and this is quite a regular thing. We speak loads, he gets distant or we argue, stop speaking for a few months and then become friends again. Can you really be friends with your ex? Especially someone who took over your life at one point? It’s been over a year since we broke up but I still remember the day I broke up with him.
I never knew how much a break up could hurt.
I know what your thinking… but you broke up with him? Yes I did. But I did it for him… and for myself but mainly him. Urgh. I made him such a priority. At that time he was ill and by the time I broke up with him, it was almost a year since he was ill. He was depressed. I tried so hard to make him happy, but I realised I was not making him happy. His own girlfriend could not make him happy. It hurt. I did a lot. I texted him everyday, made effort, went to his house, brought him food, spent so much money on a birthday present to make him happy. Nothing made him happy. I couldn’t take it anymore, I literally could not take this emotional pain. I had to end it not just for my sake but for his. He was in no emotional position to be having a girlfriend, he himself was not emotional stable, how was he going to help me and all my bullshit too. It was the right thing to do.
It just so happened that I started uni a month later. I was determined. Determined to prove to myself that I was over him but I wasn’t and by the 4th or 5th night of freshers, I realised I wasn’t. How I realised that is something only I need to know.
Already I can see that most of this post is dedicated to him, why? I genuinely hate talking about him it really gets on my nerves, but I do want to talk, I want to vent, I want to tell people that I’m still in pain. Why is he such an important part of my life or why was he. Most of our relationship was negative and confusing and heartbreaking, and he knows that now. He knows and apparently he feels bad but to be honest, if we could rewind time… I still think he would do the same.
Another stressful journey occurring in my life is my battle with the weight. To put it bluntly, I am fat for my age, or any age to be honest. I am currently a size 16 at the age of 19. It’s something that really depresses me and is something that is constantly on my mind. People say that if i really wanted to lose weight I would, and that is partly true, but living at university… it’s hard to watch what you eat when there are so many things going on at once.
I am trying to slowly lose weight, eating healthily and being careful about what I drink on nights out. The sad fact is that I can no longer do shots without wanting to vomit so therefore have to stick to the calorific vodka lemonades that are ruining my budget and my balanced diet. Why don’t you stop drinking Shaz? If only life was that simple, I really don’t want to miss out on my uni experience and look back to think “Damn, in my attempt to lose weight I missed out on so much” I’m trying to work around this, trying to find drinks that are maybe low calorie or go out less times a week. Especially because now I’m a second year.
With all this ranting I think this post should come to an end. I think looking back at this post in a months time will actually tell me a lot about how things have changed since this post. I hope to be able to update this blog at frequent times because I feel it is important to write (or in this case type) what I am feeling and I know this blog will be great to look and reflect on my thoughts.
I know that no one will read this, but I just hope that if someone does, especially if this is someone I know, I hope that they keep the things I have said in here private… The fact that I have written a lot of private things was really hard for me to do. So out of respect I would appreciate this information not to be repeated, or to be discussed.
I hope to write in here soon.