Its been a very very long time that i have actually thought to myself “wow i need to write in my blog”
Whether anyone ever reads this or not, i find it so… soothing to write my thoughts here, my true feelings about everything and not have to worry what people think cos to be quite honest no one will ever find or read this haha!
So recently a lot has been on my mind, things that i havent hadd a chance to tell anyone and prefer not to tell anyone because there personal thoughts…
i feel like at the moment, i need to be away from everyone, need to get away from this country and go somewhere for a week or two where i have no contact with anyone.
I really need space right now…
this sounds completely ridiculous seeing as ive been out with my friends everyday this week so far.
i know this just sounds weird, like im contradicting myself, but honestly im a weird person i say one thing and do another…
but im being serious when i say i need time AWAY like thousands of miles, with no blackberry, no laptop, no internet, none of that bullshit.
i just genuinely feel like im not needed anymore, yes yes it sounds stupid. but honestly im telling you, i feel i could just leave and everyone would be like “klkl”
its like i feel important but i dont.
I dont know whats up with me these days but i feel distant right now. which once again seems stupid because im close to everyone at the moment but i mean distant like mentally, emotionally.
I realised recently that i have trust issues, i trust many people but i regret trusting them most of the time because i rush into everything.
I could meet a girl for two hours and already tell her a big secret about me… ridiculous, why do i do it!?
& then i normally regret it and i feel scared everyone is going to blurt out my secret when i shouldnt have told them in the first place yanoe?
Alot of the time, i get betrayed, sometimes it was not intentional, complete accident.
however sometimes it was COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY INTENTIONAL.
i really dont like that… makes me pretty scared to believe anyone or trust anyone anymore…
& whenever i say “thats it im not trusting anyone” it never works out cos im so used to just telling everyone everything, its weird when i dont? does that make sense?
This time is different though. I can genuinely see certain people in my life that i know are not trustworthy. some are complete FAKE bitches. some arent…
I dont know if you can trust anyone but yourself.
Even people you date, you can trust them while your dating but what about when it doesnt work out? They wont give a shit anymore, they’ll tell all…
no one can be trusted anymore even people you consider ‘best friends’
everyone has a dark side, some people are harder to crack…
I know i sound really negative but ive just opened my naive eyes and seen the world for what it really is… cruel, unjust, corrupt.
Every system has unjustice, i guess thats life, some people stab you in the back, thats life, I just wish life didnt have to be like that.
this is why i need time away from this shit, i feel i need to meet a whole new set of people to just experience different friendships and stuff, im tired of having to deal with all this stuff that were all mature enough to get over. I myself find that i act so childish, bitching an arguing, and make rude comments on thingss that are not neccesary and for that i apologise. Maybe i just need to grow up a little and stop all this pointless bickering and stupidness that is now becoming a daily routine.
DONT HATE, APPRECIATE.
maybe thats what we should all keep in our heads.
im going to try ad be a better person. to stop caring about all this stuff and just grow to become a better person
I need to become who i want to be. I’m not doing this for anyone BUT me.
I need to grow, need to mature.
I still feel like a little high school girl, which isn’t bad but its not me…
GROW UP SHALIZA
and hopefully i will…