Havent written here in a while because im afraid of what i will write…
ive noticed that i tend to get a little carried away when im writing here, writing things i never neccesarily thought i would and maybe things i shouldnt.
maybe thats a bad thing and maybe thats a good thing… i can never really tell. i can never really decide, call me indecisive if you like. my inability to make a decision has caused many issues in my life that could have pretty much been avoided. what are these issues may you ask? all in time young one (or old one if your older than me…lol)
Recently i have been going through a tough time, you may not even find it tough, you may think im a wimp, or not strong enough… whatever, its not like i live to please anyone in this world. Ofcourse if you told my friends this, they may say im lying, and i might be, you never know… its like a book thats told in the first person, can you really trust their story? I mean you only hear their side, they couldve changed the story to suit them or left out information that someone else thought was vitally important. Maybe im a fallable narrator? (if thats how you spell and say it) and i guess maybe you’ll never be able to trust anything i write here… i dont mind though i just write what i want to write.
So anyway about this tough time.
haha what could be tough in a teenagers life? ooo the pressure of exams? maybe. The annoying family that holds you back from being free? maybe. Arguments with your friends? ooo horrible. boy/girl trouble? most likely…
there is so much shit i could complain and rant about, but i just want to talk about one thing… or one person maybe…
Recently ive had to make a big decision in my life, not majorr like moving country or something, i mean in terms of one particular thing, lets call them a friend? Ive been in a situation of turbulent times with this friend, ups and downs. and ups and downs. its just weird. Recently things have been very down, i know for a fact that this friend thinks im just too… whats the word? emotional? and i just constantly nagged them, and nagged and nagged and nagged, but it made no difference, infact it just made it worse, my nagging pushed them away and if there were any feelings there, my nagging probably made them fly away.
For some reason i feel its my fault things are like this. its my fault that i made such a mess of things, but you know what? its not just my fault. that person was also responsible too. i mean i put all my energy into them, ive never cried or laughed or got angry or jealous or happy than with this person. They made me feel every emotion possible and that i will never forget. I honestly love them with my heart and cannot imagine what my life would have been like without them. but this person just fails to realise what they did wrong. i never asked for too much, but im sure they thought i was over expecting or over demanding or whatever. but i wasnt, and deep deep down in his/her heart (im not trying to bait this person out which is why im not stating who it is) they know that i was right and i deserved better than what i got. Maybe they’ll never realise… in that case, fuck you.
I dont need to explain my feelings for this person as ive told them countless times, but i just wish they would actually understand and say “Shaliza you were right, and next time with whoever i meet, i will not do what i did to you” yanoe? im not going to be a moron and say “i want things how they were, i want them back in my life” and all that crap cos the truth is were probably the worst people to go together ever. i think i just need to grow some balls and move on with my life because it is highly likely that things will never be the same again, it is highly likely that our friendship is ruined, and it is highlly likely that they will find a better friend than me. for some reason this bothers me a lot but whatever.
So if this person ever reads this and they know who they are, good luck with your life and i genuinely mean that, because you were a big part of my life and ill never forget that and at one point, you meant everything to me. i just wish you all the success in your life, because i know this is probably the end, and as painful for me it is to say this… your gonna find a better friend than me cos lets face it… were just too different to ever be friends, its why we can never get along for more than a day haha, and dont get happy and think your amazing cos ill find a better friend too 😛 LOL
your forever a wasteman and i dedicate this page to you lol.